Archives for category: Evolution of Thought

When I’m asked if I’ve ever been in love, my immediate reaction is to say yes. I say that I have been in love four times: I’ve been in four serious relationships, so it would follow that I was in love with each of these four people during at least a part of the span of time in which they occupied a role in my life. Ugh, rules. {When I set out to write about this, I wanted to focus on the notion of falling in love with the idea of a person as opposed to who that person truly is when the facade breaks down, when the exterior is stripped away, when you see through to a person’s core. At some point in between the moment I experienced the initial spark of inspiration and its residual molding of a vision and the time that I sat down to type this, I came to a new understanding: I don’t know how common it is, for someone to truly know another’s being, or true essence, or soul… or how many strive to know this in another… but my own experience with it has been that I’ve only seen pieces of each of the people I’ve been in relationships with. I’ve seen what I wanted to see, and I fell in love with the image of the being who those pieces helped to construct. This realization isn’t at all connected to whatever feelings I used to so fully experience, though, because even if I was in love with the idea of each of these people rather than who they were behind a veil, my understanding of who they were upheld my perception of the truth; whether or not I was in love with an idea or the ‘actuality’ of a person is of little consequence: Our perception creates our reality. That being said, I’m taking a direction different from what I originally set out for. That’s pretty typical for me, though, and seeing it manifested through this post is serving as an awesome, humbling reminder of what a waste of time it is to make a plan. Unless, of course, I wish to make one specifically so that I will find a different path… because this is how typical it is for me to take a route different than one that I plan (and is why I don’t make plans.) Sort of a practice in the realm of reverse psychology.} It’s quite the trip, when I think back on each of these relationships and the partners with whom I shared them; my idea of love, the meaning I associate to the word ‘love’, my dream of love… it’s so much more colorful now, its complexion clearer, its shades more brilliant.

These four very different relationships – each of them sequential in nature and purpose, occurring just when I most needed the lessons they would bestow upon me – helped to shape the dream of love I have today: what being in love feels like, looks like, how it presents itself, how it feels when it passes through my lips: its sound and taste and ability to fill me. My dream’s canvas shows me what love might feel like when I move with it, dance with it, the pace at which I allow myself to melt into it. Each of my past partners fulfilled the dream of love that I held during the period that they were in my life. After each of these relationships ended, my perspective on love would shift slightly, evolving ever so beautifully. I now see the humble change that was pulsing forward just below the surface of my awareness: my innate yet subconscious practice of eliminating from my growing dream whatever traits in that partner that didn’t serve me; the ones that didn’t contribute to my most positive evolution, my feelings of uninhibited happiness and a growing inner peace… those didn’t come with me along my journey. And thus, they didn’t come with me into my next relationship (easier said than done, sometimes, I know. The universe has been good to me, though, bringing the people into my life who will make a resonating impact at the times when I am most able to make decisions which allow that impact to eventually and so fully manifest in my understanding… and I am so, so grateful.) Today, my dream of love is much more complex than it’s ever been but when I envision it in HD [thanks, 2012], its vibrancy and fullness is apparent and its colors pulsate like they’re alive… because they are.

A part of me resists relationships today. The fear I experience is based on the knowledge that I’m still evolving… and with my evolution grows the effervescence of the dream. My fear lies within the ego-based notions that I’ll either begin the long-winded and intimate, complex journey into another being and not like what I might eventually discover there, or that I won’t find someone who meets me today and whose own path will move along in the same direction and at the same pace as my own. I suppose that knowing just which direction I am headed and at what pace is for the future to decide [and the shape and scope of all of our paths are very much cultivated and advanced by those with whom we share space.] I try to remember that to be concerned with the business of the future takes away from living in the moment of now. I look to my dream of love for help in silencing my chattering mind and its senseless worries: my dream has no room for fear… its colors are too busy dancing to the beat of the moving earth, swirling and pooling with their sisters and brothers in an embrace that shames rainbows (and rainbows are not easily shamed), laughing with the force of the sun, breathing in and out with the tides, living within the ebb and flow of the cycle of the moon. This is the choice that my dream makes… in its aliveness, this is the picture it paints. These colors exemplify the beauty of their experience and are so rich because they, like me, have been to the other places that have led me to today. Their hues glitter with all of its possibility.

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I hope to expand on this [quote below] later, but for now am trying to get back into a habit of a daily writing process… this blog will help me to manifest that endeavor. Even if it’s just a quote that speaks to me in a moment, I think that typing it here might help me to get back into a pattern that I know will serve my evolution of thought, and also my need and penchant for completing word puzzles… and I believe that more and more expansion on simplistic entries will follow from my adopting this daily routine. I actually loathe the word ‘routine’, unless it’s in reference to something that will serve the evolution of a passion. Word[s].
For now…
This post was inspired by and hinges upon this beautiful summation:

“Thought is a wave appearing in consciousness.” (Gangaji) {While I have no idea, at this time, who Gangaji is, I will give him credit for his words. Being, though, that we are each a part of all that is, this thought (and these words derived from this thought) presented itself in the wave of consciousness… and that is of our one collective consciousness. So maybe noting the speaker of a quote isn’t always relevant to its importance or its effect. Or maybe I’m only saying that because, as far as I know, no one has ever plagiarized my work. Yikes.} This is like a puzzle within a puzzle, and I’m finding that typing this out is, in itself, helping me to re-adapt to the solving of the word puzzles, and the dissection and compartmentalization of the intricacies of each wave of thought I experience. Awesomeness.

A while ago, I wrote about two human emotions: love and fear. An opinion was shared with me belonging to someone whose wisdom I’m often confounded by. I was just getting to know this person when we engaged in a conversation in which he shared with me his idea that there are two emotions that all humans experience and, ultimately, act out of. He told me that all human behavior is dictated by either love or by fear. At the time, I think in part because this was a person whose mind I happened to greatly admire, I took his word for truth. That’s not to say that I didn’t consider the alternatives and question myself as to whether or not this made sense, or really whether or not I even greed that his theory [which was not stated as though it were a theory but rather, fact] was so. I did those things.

It’s just that… that these last few months I’ve experienced emotion fully and on a broad spectrum [perhaps broader than I have ever before experienced in my life] and have concluded that humans are much too complicated and their minds too intricate and with depth too vast to conjecture they act on one of those two emotions alone. I say ‘conjecture’ because the decision to categorize this way is just that…  it’s based on a conclusion deduced by surmise or guesswork [Merriam-webster.com, you’re a peach.]

That being said, I’ve been doing some thinking of my own. A little surmising and guesswork, you could say. A lot of it is due to those far-and-wide-ranging emotions I’ve felt recently. Because I feel something then I analyze the shit out of how I feel until I recognize what and why it is and hopefully, I realize how I can alter it if I don’t see it benefiting me at that time or in the future. Hopefully I can change it into a more positive version of itself… maybe one that serves me better. {Or I meditate and try to not attach myself to any thought… so that those un-thought thoughts don’t manifest themselves in any emotion that might be trying to surface within and mix themselves with it, swirling, bringing it up from its depths within my being, poisoning it. And then, I do some thinking after the period of meditation. Because it’s nice to sit without emotion sometimes. And to not think about how I feel or why it is.}

That said, this is what I’ve concluded: if humans feel too much for all of those feelings and behaviors based on feelings to be categorized into either one of only two emotions [which I believe, wholeheartedly, is the case], then they also can experience emotions or attraction or desires for another human being, any human being, at any given time, place, or dimension. And maybe you feel these things for a person and that person happens to not be of the same gender or sex of whom you felt those things for yesterday. Because we’re humans, and we’re complex. The most complex species on Earth or something. Maybe only second to some sort weird mushroom or miniscule sea-dwelling creature. (I could have just made that up, I’m really not sure. My point is, we’re complex.) So who’s to say that one category can fit all of you in it? That just doesn’t seem fair, asking someone to choose just one category and stay in it. Like, stay in it forever. And you just get to choose one… or the other.

Is that what society wants? Being in one little box (or circle, if that’s how you tend to shape your categories) for your whole life seems like it would get sorta claustrophobic. Why is society trying to make me claustrophobic?

Silly, if you ask me.

Thought manifesting in emotion is what makes me human… and I kinda like that. What’s also sort of amazing is encountering all these people with intense, complex emotions and thoughts. And stuff. Because each of them has challenged what I might feel and believe (and manifest) at some point previously with other viewpoints and ideas and theories and I’ve taken those and stirred them around and mixed them in with what I already had… and I’ve ended up with something more beautiful than before, and much tastier.

So… this is what I have to say about it now. But ask me again in a couple months and I’m sure I’ll have more to say on the matter. Maybe sooner… depends what I feel. 😉

{And that’s what you call the evolution of thought…. oh, snap.}