Archives for the month of: December, 2011

A while ago, I wrote about two human emotions: love and fear. An opinion was shared with me belonging to someone whose wisdom I’m often confounded by. I was just getting to know this person when we engaged in a conversation in which he shared with me his idea that there are two emotions that all humans experience and, ultimately, act out of. He told me that all human behavior is dictated by either love or by fear. At the time, I think in part because this was a person whose mind I happened to greatly admire, I took his word for truth. That’s not to say that I didn’t consider the alternatives and question myself as to whether or not this made sense, or really whether or not I even greed that his theory [which was not stated as though it were a theory but rather, fact] was so. I did those things.

It’s just that… that these last few months I’ve experienced emotion fully and on a broad spectrum [perhaps broader than I have ever before experienced in my life] and have concluded that humans are much too complicated and their minds too intricate and with depth too vast to conjecture they act on one of those two emotions alone. I say ‘conjecture’ because the decision to categorize this way is just that…  it’s based on a conclusion deduced by surmise or guesswork [, you’re a peach.]

That being said, I’ve been doing some thinking of my own. A little surmising and guesswork, you could say. A lot of it is due to those far-and-wide-ranging emotions I’ve felt recently. Because I feel something then I analyze the shit out of how I feel until I recognize what and why it is and hopefully, I realize how I can alter it if I don’t see it benefiting me at that time or in the future. Hopefully I can change it into a more positive version of itself… maybe one that serves me better. {Or I meditate and try to not attach myself to any thought… so that those un-thought thoughts don’t manifest themselves in any emotion that might be trying to surface within and mix themselves with it, swirling, bringing it up from its depths within my being, poisoning it. And then, I do some thinking after the period of meditation. Because it’s nice to sit without emotion sometimes. And to not think about how I feel or why it is.}

That said, this is what I’ve concluded: if humans feel too much for all of those feelings and behaviors based on feelings to be categorized into either one of only two emotions [which I believe, wholeheartedly, is the case], then they also can experience emotions or attraction or desires for another human being, any human being, at any given time, place, or dimension. And maybe you feel these things for a person and that person happens to not be of the same gender or sex of whom you felt those things for yesterday. Because we’re humans, and we’re complex. The most complex species on Earth or something. Maybe only second to some sort weird mushroom or miniscule sea-dwelling creature. (I could have just made that up, I’m really not sure. My point is, we’re complex.) So who’s to say that one category can fit all of you in it? That just doesn’t seem fair, asking someone to choose just one category and stay in it. Like, stay in it forever. And you just get to choose one… or the other.

Is that what society wants? Being in one little box (or circle, if that’s how you tend to shape your categories) for your whole life seems like it would get sorta claustrophobic. Why is society trying to make me claustrophobic?

Silly, if you ask me.

Thought manifesting in emotion is what makes me human… and I kinda like that. What’s also sort of amazing is encountering all these people with intense, complex emotions and thoughts. And stuff. Because each of them has challenged what I might feel and believe (and manifest) at some point previously with other viewpoints and ideas and theories and I’ve taken those and stirred them around and mixed them in with what I already had… and I’ve ended up with something more beautiful than before, and much tastier.

So… this is what I have to say about it now. But ask me again in a couple months and I’m sure I’ll have more to say on the matter. Maybe sooner… depends what I feel. 😉

{And that’s what you call the evolution of thought…. oh, snap.}


[You might find this key helpful. Maybe. Maybe not. Ahh, free will.]

{I have broached this topic with a couple friends in conversation recently and think I’m going to write about it now… partly because I want to see it written out so I can make more sense of it and maybe start to internalize it after reading, playing with, maybe editing at some point, …and then nudging myself towards eventually manifesting it.}

{^Not posting to blog.}

I think life experiences (which are unique to you because of who and how you are, where you are, and the people you encounter and of course those with whom you have meaningful interaction) train you into learning how you want to live. When someone says, “Happiness comes from within”, I say this: {picture me nodding with you} Happiness is within. It is inside you, yes.  [It’s on your outer body as well, as in you wear your happiness, but that’s another subject entirely.] But life experiences based on environment and circumstance are what teach you just what it is you love and what you do not. That is if you interpret these stimuli as possibly becoming a positive force in your life if continuing to subject yourself to them… {might it be something like a beautiful house in the mountains that will sustain you and fulfill a recognized longing for domestic comfort, or someone – a person who reflects your views but challenges you to develop them and works with you to reach the next level of truth, or, some widely-held mindset and value system that you sense in the air, that you feel when you walk into your place of work or neighborhood bar or the grocery store on a Tuesday night} a positive force that you could grow to love and will accumulate value and ultimately, happiness, for you and those you will encounter if you pursue it…. That is to say that you decide that you want more of what you realize you love. I’ll let you come up with what love means to you… I shouldn’t have assumed you couldn’t think of examples yourself.

So when someone says to you when you’re venting and feel chaos inside of yourself because life just isn’t really what you feel like it should be, “Happiness comes from within!” {and people have said this to me in just this sort of situation before}, I say to you: Don’t be so hard on yourself. For me, when I’m hard on myself I think about how I must be doing something wrong, that all these people who are so happy (or at least appear to be because I see them laughing and having what looks like fun all the time with the people they call their friends) have the answers. From time to time there are keys passed out to people, keys that unlock this door into a magical land of eternal, loud and proud, in-your-face-everywhere-you-go-because-you-can’t-help-but-rub-that-shit-in-people’s-faces happiness and somehow, SOME WAY you just keep missing those days… were you home in bed with the flu or what?

That’s totally how I’ve felt. Like I’m just supposed to get over everything and everyone that makes me unhappy and retrieve from the depths of myself this full and thorough happiness that is totally there but just hidden deep within me somewhere and I need to recognize its existence AND THEN I need to come up with even more of it and pull it all out so that it brims over my soul and I project it everywhere I go and to whom all I meet and I can then apply it to my current existence and everything will totally be great instead of like I’m always searching for something.

There were no magic keys passed out… I promise. Instead, this is the case:

We cultivate happiness. We grow it from the ground up. Sometimes people start a little higher than ground level because they’re given certain privileges in life so they have the means to seek what they love more swiftly and in larger quantities, or what it is that sustains them (because after all, many will never know what it is they truly love, either because they don’t ever experience it or because they don’t see the necessity or have the drive to pursue it once they find it. It’s fleeting, feels good, but is viewed as just “that one incredible, mind-shifting, life-altering weekend I experienced X, Y and Z”.) {I still struggle with comparing my everyday to a certain weekend I would describe precisely as incredible, mind-shifting, and life-altering: When things aren’t somewhat on par with that relative moment in time in some way; when I don’t form a connection with myself or with any other humans in the way that I did during said weekend. But it gives me strength to know that I recognize the coveting within myself for experiences on the same scale. That I can pursue it because I know what it is, what the word “love” means [to me, anyway… and what I know quietly and softly, deep in my soul is its meaning for so many of the people who were there with me that particular weekend]… I know what it looks like, what it smells like, how it feels on my skin, sounds in my mind, floats in the sky, and the way it dances around me. My existence is currently spent deciding if I will or won’t take to my pursuit each coming day… because being let down usually sets me back a few paces. [This is also what I would like to gain along my path: renewed energy after each let down. An unending replenishment of hope that transforms me to action.]} We cultivate happiness within ourselves based on components outside of our bodies. We take them in and keep them close for a while, sometimes even bringing them inside, to see if they like it here and we like them here and then we choose to let these components go [or maybe just one component if we’re lucky (and I mean lucky in a relative sense here, of course) and chose well for ourselves; letting go of one component isn’t nearly as hard as letting go of a multitude of components] or… we work towards keeping a particular component, or grouping of components, safe and happy and right there inside. Right here.

{I’ve also played with the beautiful and wonderfully intriguing belief that for the beginning portion of our lives (and the length of this time segment depends entirely on the individual), we are each living out the energies of our past lives. We are reaching the point of adopting and encompassing and exuding the energy that fits us best for this lifetime, and as those past energies were already developed and put into the universe in our former lives, it is inevitable (if growth continues) that we will reach a point where said past energies have run their cycles in this current life and it is time for one’s newest and true-for-your-current-life energy to emerge… and this is who we become. [This is, of course, centered on the belief of one’s soul spanning all of human existence and manifesting itself within a body many, many times.]}

If there is a component (or group of components) in your life that you find alter(s) your state of discontent to the level of almost entirely [or shit, let’s say totally entirely] dousing it out altogether and you find that with this particular component (be it environment or human being or other outside factor) you can and are able to continuing forming and developing a connection (such as the types of connections I listed early on)… and you do so… you are undoubtedly moving closer and closer to an ultimate state of being [and encountering new states of being with each step closer to it] in which you can know love (the kind I described above, or whatever your soul recognizes as true.)

I believe that it is only in this ultimate state of being that you are completely free… that your soul is free to fully expand and flow within you and pour over you and anyone else encountering your path and become what it can truly be (there is no threshold of course, and any sort of number of factors can result in your soul’s tumbling and somersaulting and maybe even growing then shrinking in time to come.) This is when you know love. {If you subscribe to the belief of the existence of past lives, this is the state in which your soul finally becomes what it will after living out all of its past energies… because it has found and recognized the energy that allows it to love [see above paragraph.]}

To expand some more… I believe that it is only at this point that you will recognize others who share the same love in their souls, and your soul is open to finding a counterpart. When it is open to love because it knows it, your soul recognizes the energies within other humans [held within the lower mental auric body, if you subscribe to a belief that encompasses auras.] When two souls connect [the higher mental auric body with another], sometimes your nervous system sends a chill through the body… just in case you weren’t already entirely sure that you were interacting with a soulmate. This merging of the mind, body, and soul in a physiological reaction is real and tangible. I’ve felt it.  {And my interpretation of the aura is that when your higher mental auric body connects with another’s and you both become aware of this, your Spiritual (intuitive) bodies have met.} Soulmates happen to be incredibly helpful in aiding the growth of your ability to allow yourself to continue to exist at this highest state of being. {I would say my true happiness [which comes to me when I feel truly fulfilled in all the aspects of my life that are important to me] is often dependent on the soulmates in my life and the knowledge that I will continue to meet more of them as I continue on my path. That is, the path that the universe sent (and continues to send) signs to aid me in finding. I continue everyday to look for those signs and when I see them, to recognize and follow them. [See The Five Steps but, you’ve been warned: I might have been a different person when I wrote it. Though I still greatly value its lesson and work to internalized its message and manifest it into practice daily.]}

At some point, another’s shared beliefs and values and the presence of compatibility between respective outside factors [the ones that each person holds important and necessary for their continued happiness: i.e. the geographic location where each want to live is one and the same, or that way that each person appears and presents themselves physically is pleasing and settling to the other] matches up and you find a partner. A partner is not someone you have “settled for” or have tried to change to make into a replica of what you experience desire for instead. Your pace of growth through phases of life is similar… maybe sometimes one slightly ahead of the other, but generally evening out before the passing of much time. You look outwards in the same direction while walking towards whatever it is that will exist there hand-in-hand.

I think some people settle for partners because they fear that if they were to leave their partners, they might never meet another who “matches” that next level of being that he or she KNOWS he’s/she’s capable of climbing to. This is where the comfort zone exists. Comfort zones encompass and are often invisible. There are many, many humans who exist on this planet unaware that they’re balls deep in a comfort zone. Or they choose to not think about it, so as not to make it an issue… because addressing an issue takes some heart. Before you address something that’s possibly an issue you better be aware that you might find the solution to this issue and if you’re unwilling to make the necessary changes to make this solution a reality for yourself then you might live in perpetual discontent for a period of time. Then, learning to not only exist but to function while experiencing discontent is apt to lead its human directly into a whole new kind of comfort zone. And this even more uncomfortable comfort zone is a bitch because when you’re here, you totally know it. Your comfort zone has become uncomfortable… making a little more confining then it was before. Maybe it’s a little harder to breathe sometimes. To belly laugh. You recognize where you are but for one reason or another (and you most likely know the reason), you’re denying to yourself the necessity to take action to change it… to alter your state of discomfort. To find what it is that will bring the discomfort to subside. Or, you’re unwilling to take the first step. Oftentimes, it’s not a step but a leap.

So, I get it.

I get that some people don’t want to take that leap.

But… I’m not content in a comfort zone.

I have been before. Content, that is. Lingering.

Waiting for the next thing because it will surely make me happier than I am now. Sometimes looking for it, but mostly just waiting.

You don’t find soulmates in the comfort zone… or, if you are lucky enough to find one, you won’t know it. Because you’re not open to that connection. Your soul isn’t open to it.

In the comfort zone, you don’t recognize that you require three hundred-plus days of sunny skies a year over your head to feel excited about spending time outdoors or that there is better music out there or that you might feel better about life if the person who laid his head on the pillow next to yours wasn’t a raging, narrow-minded Republican from Kansas City. Or, if you do recognize these things but don’t take the action to ensure their realization in life, you don’t reach that ultimate state of being. You don’t experience what could be.

Some people don’t need to, I guess.

But for me, I need to move forward. If I feel this discontent emerge (and I know what it feels like), I will continue to wander until I reach one of those life components that I can hang with for a while. And maybe develop. I’m learning each day the signs (individual to me) that let me know if I’ve fallen into a comfort zone… to recognize what’s happened and to take action (and, hopefully, with increasingly more and more aptitude and speed) and climb.

Up. Out of it. And in the direction the signs take me… closer and closer to where my soul feels free.

{blahblahblah} = My comments… comments on something I’ve just written, something I feel like prefacing, or something about which I want to offer my own personal perspective based on my experience. Sometimes I like to relate something to personal experience so that I might further consider it, reference back to it, and hopefully expand on at some point… and I suppose, also on the offhand chance that you might find these comments interesting and worthwhile.

(Expansion on a certain idea that is helpful to that idea’s conception and possibly also to its lesson. It’s helpful (and hopefully intuitive) to read content within parentheses… but you already knew that because who ignores statements within parentheses anyway?) = [Continuous Explanation]

[When I put things in brackets, I guess it’s not totally necessary to read what’s in them in order to fully understand a central theme, and often they’re just relative tidbits that I think might add to an idea, but I wouldn’t advise skipping them. You’ll still get the presiding message. But if you wanted to skip them, you totally could. But you shouldn’t… just trust me on this one. I promise I will use all the positive energy available to me at the time of writing to not let you down if you do. Like, for example, that little thing above was kind of funny, right? When I put “Continuous Explanation” in brackets, because you totally didn’t need the continuous explanation… but it was funny to read it and sort of witty?] = Extra stuff that isn’t necessarily personal to me. Read it or don’t… it don’t matta.

So I’m blog shopping and trying something new. Hubpages isn’t doing it for me. Here’s the link to some previous stuff, but I also like to think that my writing has evolved in its content and style since some of those earlier posts. Hopefully the progression isn’t glaringly obvious because that would be mean that as little as six months ago I was a totally different person that I am today.

Actually, that doesn’t sound so bad.